I feel terrible. My depression is becoming overwhelming. I can’t shake this feeling of complete helplessness and sorrow. I’ve been trying to distract myself but I just keep feeling hopeless.
I know I’ve been MIA lately. I had a terrible week. This is the first time I’ve been too depressed to leave the house in a really long time. I called off all week from work because I just didn’t have it in me. I couldn’t manage to shower much less do anything else for a couple days.
By Friday night I went out finally for the first time all week to go to a concert with a friend. I’m glad I went it was a really good idea to go see Against Me! I really needed it not only to get out and focus on something else but it made me realize something about myself.
From watching the band play it was obvious how much fun they were having onstage together and I realize I miss that. Watching Laura laugh and smile onstage I realized I want to have that.
I used to feel joy every time I picked up a guitar. I would practice for hours alone in my room. It was the one thing I did enjoy. I wasn’t great at it but there was something about it that relaxed me and made me happy. I haven’t played in over a year if not longer and I miss that. Not just music but they kind of reignited that want to try to get back myself in general. I feel like I am a shell of the person I used to be. I want to stop feeling so helpless. I want to stop feeling like I am drowning. I just want to want.